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14 ways to spot a Call of Duty player in Battlefield 3

July 8

We love Call of Duty multiplayer, and we’ve got nothing against those who play it, occasional screaming matches with Belgian teenagers notwithstanding. But there’s no denying that Activision’s online community (reportedly the “best in the world”) has its… peculiarities. Peculiarities that might be gently mocked for shizzles and gizzles.

Playing Battlefield 3, a shooter that targets roughly the same audience in a rather different way, you’ve probably noticed some players aren’t getting into the spirit of things. Anybody who ticks half the boxes below is a Modern Warfarer to the bone. (We’ll do another feature nearer Modern Warfare 3′s launch telling you how to spot a Battlefield player in Call of Duty. Feel free to make suggestions.)

1. They’re trying to use a shotgun like a rifle

DICE’s shotguns are overpowered, as detailed in our launch week Battlefield 3 tips piece, but they’re not that overpowered. Engage an enemy from over 30 feet away and you might as well throw balls of screwed-up tissue paper. Or your recently perforated intestines.

2. They’re trying to stab people from the front

Not only have you brought a knife to a gunfight, you’ve whipped that knife out under the nose of a man wearing a Kevlar T-shirt in the earnest conviction that you can stab his meat off before he pulls the trigger of his pistol. And now you’re dead. It was always going to end like this. How deranged would you have to be to design a game where knives beat guns? Oh right.

3. They’re trying to navigate Operation Firestorm on foot

Those maps are big, lads. Big. Larger than your living room, as in. And those early objectives can topple pretty fast. By the time you reach the action, the action will be somewhere else.

4. They don’t understand vehicles…

“Why’s that Care Package got propellers? How come this RC car’s so big? Oh my god, it ate that guy. IT ATE HIM.”

5. …Unless they’re tanks

“Wait, this one’s got a big gun on it. Guns are for kills, kills are for killstreaks, big guns are for bigger killstreaks. All has become crystal clear.”

6. …And they’ll never wait for passengers

“Screw you, hippy! I was here first. Now I’m going to hang out behind these rocks with my real friends, the other team’s Engineers. Hey, these damage indicators are pretty hilarious. Can’t seem to shift those caterpillar tracks no more. If only I could dual-wield the steering wheel and that top-mounted machine gun.”

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7. They’ll never spot people…

“Why the hell should I let you know where the enemy is? You might shoot him first.”

8. …because they’re guided by Death

“Make yourself useful. Go get killed somewhere so I’ve got something to run towards on my radar.”

9. They’re using a rocket launcher on infantry

All that time spent exploiting One Man Army for infinity-rockets has left committed Call of Duty players incapable of handling any gun that isn’t a tube. And they’re not going to be deterred by a little thing like hardly ever being able to hit anyone.

10. They’re completely bowled over by the destruction

Pity the Call of Duty veteran. For years he’s been imprisoned in a tyrannically unchanging environment, devoid of breakable objects. For years, he’s had to content himself with disappearing bullet holes. Now he’s got Frostbite 2 to play with, a game engine that allows you to flay walls apart like bath foam. It must be like waking up to find that all the women you know have had a boob job.

11. They never want ammo or health

“GTFO, dude. I don’t need your leftovers. Besides, I plan on dying long, long before I ever run out of rounds.”

12. …And they never give you ammo or health

“Sorry son, I’ve done all I can. Just glancing at you in passing has cost me precious milliseconds I could have spent sprinting heedlessly into an ambush.”

13. They’ll squad-spawn into crossfire

Bless. He must think respawning knocks all nearby enemies flat, like in certain coin-op beat ‘em ups. Do your best to stay out of trouble. For his sake.

14. They’re playing Team Deathmatch

And if they are, that means you are too. You filthy traitor. Get back to Conquest before we send in the attack dogs.

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